One Captivated Life

A Man With Lofty Goals

2009-08-16T07:39:00.000-07:00

Found inside my library book, Predictably Irrational:

So, its been a while.

2009-08-02T15:21:00.000-07:00

Greetings from Oklahoma, on the border of Texas! Just in case you were wondering, yes, it is as hot as it sounds. It was 111 for 8 straight days when we got here, and I just wanted to puke.

I've been meaning to write for a while now, but generally have been swept up in the poignant words of my friends' blogs when I get on here! Its fun seeing where everyone is at right now- there have been a lot of transitions in a lot of my friends' lives lately, and it is so evident that God is good and my friends are some really awesome people!

Anyways, back to life here. I have been making the 6 hour trek between our "two homes" every two weeks, going back to tend to my flower children (especially my roses) and the lawn, and taking care of fun things like license renewal and scholarship stuff at KSU. I have decided that I truly value my solo drives- it gives me time to think, renew my vision, plot out papers and ideas, and catch up on some tunes.

I've been pretty active in the ACS (Army Community Service) office here at Sill, volunteering a few mornings a week to get the AFAP (Army Family Action Plan) conference off the ground in September . AFAP is the part of the Army that addresses problems within the Army community, especially for the families affected by all of Army life's issues. They've effected legislative change on a number of issues. I won't actually be here when the conference is in session, but its been great to spend some time with some awesome, dedicated people who really try and make the Army community the best it can be for the families involved. Its really rewarding to see all of the stuff that goes on behind the scenes with these wicked smart, sweet people. And, its nice to just get out of the house!!!!!!!! (And, use someone else's air conditioning :))

There are also a number of awesome, dedicated ladies who have really changed the Career Course experience for wives here (that's what we are here in Oklahoma for, by the way). The Captain's Career Course is 6 months long, which means that the guys are in class for 9 hours a day and/or in the field. What this means for wives is that a) you are in the back roads of Oklahoma with nothing to do, b) no one in their right mind will hire you because they KNOW you are only here for 6 months, c) you don't even know where you are moving when this field trip is over (though we are praying with all we've got to return back to Riley!), and d) while some people easily make friends, it generally takes a lot of personal initiative. So some Majors' wives (the Majors are instructors who are here for 3-5 years) decided that they are going to organize community and opportunities to get all of these wives (i.e. people like me) together, and ease the process of life in transition. It has been really great, and I've connected with a lot of other awesome ladies (p.s.-yes, I keep saying "Wives" and "ladies" instead of spouses, because Field Artillery is still a male-only branch in the Army). They've also orchestrated some great sessions on the experience of being a Commander's wife and the ways of handling that life and put it together in a fun format.

Even with all of that, I am so looking forward to the fall, when I will be back home and in classes. I am beyond pumped for school to start again. In the meantime, I have been making full use of the library here! I've finished two of the three books by Malcolm Gladwell, Blink and Tipping Point; Freakonomics; and some old classics that I keep finding references for in a number of the books I use in my research (The Communist Manifesto, Diplomacy by Henry Kissinger, The Wealth of Nations, and a book on Afghanistan to name a few). Hopefully, I don't show up on some PATRIOT Act hitlist with my Marxist titles :)

Anyways, that's all for now!

Maggie is home.

2009-07-05T06:12:00.000-07:00

Stolen from Jordan's blog:

"Through death often comes life...Jesus said unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground...I would never have wished this on my wife. As a matter of fact, I would not wish it on my worst enemy. Cancer sucks...but Jesus can redeem it...He can use it to bring glory to His Father. It has been amazing to see Him do this time and time again through Maggie’s life and, even now, in her death."

Jordan, Sophie, Jack, Jonas, and Owen: praying for you.

I still love this lady.

2009-07-04T06:10:00.001-07:00

Four years ago today...

2009-07-02T06:35:00.001-07:00

This happened...

And I can't help but think, I love him more today than I ever knew I could on that day.

There was a group vow-renewal ceremony at church this past weekend, and Joe and I participated. I couldn't help but think that every word of those vows is so much richer and full of meaning after four years...I can only imagine what it will be like 50 years from now.

Praying for Maggie.

2009-06-25T09:06:00.000-07:00

Earnestly seeking sweet rest for Maggie and the fam today. I know that these days have been hard.

My dear friend Laura hit it on the head yesterday, when she said "but there is just no one like her". I don't think I'll ever forget Laura's voice as she uttered those words...and on a computer screen, I don't know that the statement sounds strong enough. But there is just no one like Maggie.

Like the time she passionately shared with me her love of Jane Eyre and other Bronte-type novels.

Or the time we chuckled together over the fact that her kids were shredding a copy of "How to Make Children Mind...Without Losing Yours".

Or the times she shared with me what it was like experiencing the military life, having a military dad, before Joe and I got married.

Or when she shared about her faith in God and her love for her husband as they packed up their car and drove from SW Florida to Bellingham, Washington to start a church plant. Sweet words imparted to me as I embarked a similar journey of faith following my husband to Kansas (at the time thinking, "There is going to be positively nothing for me in Kansas!).

Or all of the Sundays she embraced our church family, new and old, making space for them to encounter God.

Or how she was always the cutest pregnant woman, ever.

Or how she manages to keep up with her kids, and at the same time have the cutest hair and glowing skin.

Or when she came to quite possibly the world's worst bridal shower ever (mine), in which we watched in shock as the person throwing the shower was taken off in handcuffs (apparently, the police had been looking for her for a little bit of time...I SWEAR, I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!), and Maggie gently united the awkward assembly of attenders, creating peace in one of the most surreal moments of my life.

Or all of the times spent at their home(s), where she personified presence, peace, and comfort to all around her, and made her environment reflect the presence of God.

Or watching her and Jordan step out in faith, leaving behind lucrative opportunities and exchanging them for church services held in clubhouses, college auditoriums or any other available space, all with the prospect of no health insurance while pregnant with Jonas, believing that God was able to provide and work a mighty work through them. And He has.

And watching them do it again, as they returned to Syracuse to plant another church, when her treatment began almost three years ago.

And now. Suffering unimaginable pain, but staring death in the face with a passion for her Lord, her husband, and her kids. Listening to Psalms playing from Jordan's iPod and resting in the love of her family.

And through it all, she and Jordan remain...grateful. Stolen from his blog, he writes:

"We have much to be grateful for:

• We have been ransomed, redeemed and reconciled to God through Christ
• We have had fifteen great years (14 married years) together...what a blessing!
• We have four great kids who love us and love each other. Four kids who are learning in

this moment what it means to ruthlessly trust in Jesus.

• We have been loved by many family members and friends...thank you all!
• We have been blessed by the thousands of people around the world who have lovingly

prayed for us and for our family

• We have the joy of knowing that this life...this earth...is just a foretaste of the the life that

is to come. A life with Jesus. A life without sin, or the effects of sin. A life without

cancer...without disease

Before I left Florida 4 years ago, I collected a handful of cd sermons from my Summit fam so I could listen to them when I got homesick. Jordan did a series called The Revolution: Faith, Hope, and Love. I'm not sure if it was in the "Faith" or the "Hope" cd, but he captured the essence of Psalm 84. He highlighted the importance of recognizing that when our strength is in the Lord, the fact that we are mere pilgrims is a lot easier to live out as we press on towards Zion. He reiterates that we continue to move "from positions of strength to positions of strength". I'm still not sure I'm okay with being on a pilgrimage. I like to know where I'm going. I tend to want to settle down. I prefer Op Orders and declarative sentences.

Jordan and Maggie have lived the life of pilgrimmage well. They always move from positions of strength to positions of strength, even now. Even when most others would not (I include myself here).

Praying sweet comfort.

Maggie.

2009-06-23T20:09:00.001-07:00

Praying for my tender friend Maggie tonight, as she is close to seeing Jesus face to face.

Beautiful heart. Lovely wife. Sweet mom. Literary soul.

Trusting. Good. True. Patient. Kind. Genuine. Honest. Comforting.

A wellspring of faith.

Jordan. Sophie. Jack. Jonas. Owen.

My favorite place.

2009-06-06T10:09:00.000-07:00

Michie stadium. The Thayer. Hudson River. Battle Monument. Lusk Reservoir. The Plane. Trophy Point. The Chain. New Library. Cadet Chapel.

Duty. Honor. Country.

I love it here.

Today.

2009-06-04T07:57:00.000-07:00

Pool. Sun. Bible. Son. Fresh air. Family. Freckles. Smile. Pondering.

Grace. Peace. Rest.

Flowing waters.

2009-06-01T15:26:00.000-07:00

Blessed are those whose strength is in you,

in whose heart are your ways,

who trudging through the plains of misery

find in them an unexpected spring,

a well from deep below the barren ground,

and the pools are filled with water.

They become springs of healing for others,

reservoirs of compassion to those who are bruised.

Strengthened themselves, they lend courage to others

and God will be there at the end of their journey.

Confession.

2009-05-22T15:44:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make.

I love Beth Moore Bible studies.

Trying to fit one into a crazy schedule never quite seems to work out, as they are often chock-full of homework.

So this summer, I am doing one for fun.

On my own.

Without the pressure of "having to get it all done".

Enjoying it. Savoring it.

Its called Stepping Up: A journey through the Psalms of Ascent.

And it looks fabulous.

I like what my friend Eugene Peterson has to say about the Psalms in general:

"There is no literature in all the world that is more true to life and more honest than Psalms, for here we have warts-and-all religion. Every skeptical thought, every disappointing venture, every pain, every despair that we can face is lived through and integrated into a personal, saving relationship with God- a relationship that also has in it acts of praise, blessing, peace, security, trust, and love"

I look forward to steeping in it. I hope I can be a recipient of what it has to offer, and I hope that I am able to offer something to you!

Snapshots of life.

2009-05-22T13:19:00.000-07:00

Sweet Love.

Sassy Sisters.

Changes

2009-05-20T14:28:00.000-07:00

So, a lot has happened, just in the last week.

All of it great. Some of it overwhelming.

Joe was farewelled from his unit, 1-5 FA, last Thursday. He has been a part of the unit since December of 2004...essentially, his entire military career thus far. It has been a family of a unit regardless of who has come or gone. I found myself overwhelmed with emotion- which surprised me, though it totally makes sense. I suppose it was a reminder of the changes that come with the military life, something we have largely been protected from by being in this unit for so long. His farewell was truly a sweet time of connection and fellowship with some people who mean so much to us. He will be starting his Career Course in Oklahoma in July, which is a big transition. It also means a lot of uncertainty about exactly where we will permanently be come December (we are hoping to return here).

Even huger, I graduated from Seminary on Saturday. Eeeeee-motional! I felt like the moment was bigger than I was throughout most of it. I teared up not only as I was being addressed, but also as my friends were being addressed. There was so much meaning infused in the simple ceremony, reflective of years of intense connection, reflection, and, lets face it, lots of paper writing (!). I was so blessed to be surrounded by so many dear friends, whether they were fellow graduates, past classmates, or special friends who came to the ceremony.

Joe and my mom conspired a surprise visit! It was great having her here. We spent most of the weekend creating a wonderful landscape in my front yard. I wouldn't have had a clue without all of her help! I got an added bonus: the other night, as I was watering, I noticed that I have a new friend: a hummingbird! I will have to keep my camera on hand and see if I can catch a snapshot of the sneaky little beaut!

So, now onto the summer. This is my first summer off in a really long time! No classes, no job: a blank slate. I am pondering what I am going to do. My great friend Kelly created a summer manifesto, and has challenged me to do the same. I know it will include some of the following: getting fit, reading a lot (fiction, even! When is the last time I had time to read fiction!?!), spending some quality time with my journal, tending to my newly beautified lawn, taking walks with my husband and the dogs, enjoying God a lot, and eventually spending some time in the library narrowing my focus for my statement of objectives for the Ph.D program...but I have time to get to that :).

As Time Goes By...

2009-04-18T19:24:00.000-07:00

Well, I haven't written in quite some time, and I have a tendency to be a little hard on myself...blame it on the perfectionism. But I am going to allow myself some grace, and write just because I sheerly enjoy it, and who knows? Maybe I'll get back on the wagon...but even if I don't, this moment is valuable.

Some old friends of mine, Travis and Stephanie , had their first baby, sweet Ava Page, yesterday. As I've been looking through their pictures (sitting in my favorite coffee shop, mind you), I can't help but tear up as I see the beauty of God's hand in all of it. They've really been through a lot of hardship and drawing near to God to be holding sweet Ava right now, and I am just in awe.

Its hitting that time in the semester where I am faced with...well, a semester's worth of work! (How does that happen, by the way?). There is part of me that can't even ponder what life will be like when I am "done" at Emmanuel House...this past two years in seminary has been transformative, life-giving, intense, wonderful, awful (yes, sometimes awful...but in a good way!)...and I just don't know what life will look like without it. I have never experienced a time in life that was so...beautiful. But its helpful to remember that its all just been preparation for the rest of my life: this being reflective thing, this ability to read not only the Scripture more deeply thing, but also this ability to read people's hearts and my culture more clearly thing. It has really been transformative, and I know for sure that I don't want the transformation to be done.

I'm also wrapping up my first semester in the Security Studies program at K-State, which I have loved. I know, I know: the first question I generally get is "what does that have to do with Seminary?" to which I answer "does it have to?" or, "What are you going to do when you graduate from Seminary?" and my answer is "Keep going to school, why of course!". But seriously, I am so excited to be a full-time student for the first time in my life. I recently accepted an offer into the Ph.D track...which, by the way, I still need to write my Statement of Objectives for (::ahem ahem::...did I mention that its that time in the semester???). It's weird, I know, but I feel drawn to God through...research. And homework. And papers.

Its also been such an interesting few couple of months in regards to family. Joe and I had been preparing ourselves to adopt our sweet niece, Kathlyn, when the situation arose that she needed to be swept up and loved. It meant a huge transition in how we viewed ourselves- preparing to be "insta-parents", making room in our hearts and, more practically, making space in our home to welcome her into an atmosphere of love, our own and God's. Over the last month or so, my sister in law has made huge steps and really taken the responsibility and the blessing of remaining with her daughter, which is so hopeful and beautiful. But it has definitely brought Joe and I through (quite possibly) the entire realm of human emotion, has made us seek God in different ways and hate God in different ways and love God in different ways and feel His presence through it all. And by "through it all", I mean still, because we are certainly not off this crazy roller-coaster ride yet (and, did I mention God, that I DON'T even like roller-coasters?) So there are moments when I have a temper-tantrum simply because HighLights magazine comes in the mail, or I need to get something out of what-used-to-be-the-guest-room-but-is-now-half-a-three-year-old's-room. Craziness.

So that's why, maybe this very moment in my most favorite place in Manhattan, I am tearing up at the pictures of a small baby who is the ultimate picture of God's involvement in our lives (well, mostly Travis and Stephanie's life- but you know what I mean). It's just so...Him.

Irish Bells and Spider Mums

2009-03-17T19:27:00.001-07:00

Today was one full of emotion for me. There's nothing like the beauty of some fresh greenery to remind you of God's presence sometimes, so I took myself to Acme gift and put together a bouquet. Here's some views.

10 things I am loving right now...

2009-03-11T10:08:00.000-07:00

(Lobeth, if you are reading this, its for your entertainment!!!)

1. Cetaphil.

I think I might die without it. No, seriously. I mean it. There is nothing in the world like it to save me from scratching my legs off.

2. Scrapbooking paraphernalia from Close to My Heart. So affordable, so much attention to detail! My friend Christie and I have been playing with their stuff, and we're going to a little

class on Friday night to learn some techniques. A-Mazing.

3. Apple Mango Tango anything by Gain. Now, I'm a

Tide girl, love it and think its the best detergent. But this scent is hands-down the most intoxicating fragrance in the world, so I have converted to being a Gain user! Tide manufacturers, take note.

4. The Message. Sometimes, it just gives me a whole

new perspective and a fresh way of thinking of things that I am in need of, especially when it is easy to just get in the "been there, read that" mindset. For example, I love how my friend Eugene

breathes life into the Beatitudes:

"You are blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you. You're blessed when you're content with just who you are- no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought...You're blessed when you get your inside world- your mind and heart- put right. Then you can see God in the outside world".

Preach it.

5. My dogs. I can really see God's sense of humor when I look at their crazy selves. Tux looks like he came straight out of a Dr. Suess book. Libby is the most curious creature I've ever encountered; her big eyes are constantly asking me "What's that? Why? What's this? What's that noise? Can I open this door? What are you doing? Why?Do you want to play? Do you want to play now? How about now?"

Libby thinks Tux needs a bath

6. Demetri Martin.

Seriously, he is the funniest person who's ever lived in my book. He is so intelligent with his one-liners. Fun Fact: He was an NYU Law student, and left to pursue a career in comedy, writing for Conan O'Brien and Jon Stewart.

Here's a sample of his work:

"I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it’s such…a specific item. I don’t know that many words and I’m going out…and I have pants. Perfect!”

7. JStor. I know that makes me a Nerdy McNerderson. But it is the most amazing thing in the world for a grad student. I don't have to actually track things down and buy them...no, I can just steal them from a database. Because I am a student. Sweet. (And by steal, I mean properly cite, of course. Turabian style.)

8. My triple barrel curling iron. I know that it kind of resembles a medieval torture device, but it actually just serves as a fun styling tool, creating a new and original look. And, its the perfect cover up for dirty hair.

9. Meet the Press. Again with the nerd thing, I know that's what you're saying. I love watching my friend David Gregory and whoever his guests are each week, hearing their perspectives on big things as I get ready for church. I just love seeing such an intelligent group of people discussing things, regardless of my feelings toward their particular views. I always walk away feeling like I have a deeper understanding of what's actually going on in the world of politics, economics, and the international dialogue. I hope to be sitting at that table one day.

10. Taking Chance. This movie (which I had never heard of prior to seeing...odd, considering it stars Kevin Bacon. I think it was an HBO special.) was absolutely poignant, encapsulating the dynamics and emotions that are ever present in war from the perspective of a Marine Lt. Colonel who volunteers to accompany a soldier's body home. It was phenomenal.

Blessed Communication

2009-03-09T10:47:00.000-07:00

Last night was a horrible night for sleeping. I felt like I was in a pool of water, just below the surface looking up at the sky, seeing it through a muddled, distorted view, not quite awake yet not quite asleep. My mind was racing while I was sleeping. This should come of no surprise, given all of the changes in life as of late- but oddly, my present circumstances were not the material that my mind was racing through.

Joe and I have been watching the John Adams series lately- which is magnificent. There is a small part of me that feels like I'm cheating, as I've been working on reading the book since Christmas and have now officially surpassed the point where I'm at in the book. But I still have a desire to finish reading it, so all does not feel lost. Last night, I watched episode three, in which John leaves for Paris in order to solidify the treaty guaranteeing a French alliance with the Patriots. The most interesting dynamic that I think is explored throughout all of the episodes is the communication between Abigail and John. I felt as though I could completely empathize with Abigail's gut-wrenching desire to hear from her husband. It took me back to the days when Joe was deployed, when any communication made me feel so grateful, so reassured; where the mere sound of his voice or the presence of a letter in the mailbox was worth more than the world.

It also made me realize how spoiled we all are with the vast availability of means of communication in our world today. In fact, I would venture to say that we take it for granted, and maybe we've gone a little over the edge (read: people Twittering that they are going to the bathroom).

All of these thoughts have simply reminded me of how powerful communication- soul on soul interaction- is, and how I want to be mindful and present when I am blessed enough to encounter another soul and their story.

The Power of the Slowing

2009-02-15T10:22:00.000-08:00

I am really bad about taking time for myself, about making myself a priority. Too often, I run myself over-scheduled and under nourished; too exhausted to actually feel that I'm exhausted.

I think that is proven evident in the span of time that has passed since the last time I sat down to type out what I've been pondering over lately.

But life is about to be so very different. No, I take that back- life IS so very different. This past week was my last week at work. I am now entering into a season of preparation- preparation for so many things. Preparation of my home, to be a welcoming, freeing environment for a sweet two-and-a-half year old. Preparation for home visits and SRS meetings and visitors. Preparation to be an insta-momma.

But I think this season is also about a deeper kind of preparation- a preparation of my heart to meet God. Right now, we know it could be two weeks or six weeks before we bring Sweet Pea into our home. And with that time, I run the risk of repeating my same-old overscheduled perfectionistic habits. But I am choosing for life to be different. To cultivate a life of love for myself and a deeper love of God.

I bought my dear friend Christie a book entitled "Why a Daughter Needs a Mom" when her sweet pea turned 1, and she made the hard decision of leaving her job to be home loving on her daughter. I found it in Target, and as I stood in the book aisle flipping through its pages, I fought back the tears. The page that hit me the hardest said "A daughter needs a mom...to teach her to make space for herself".

Space.

Of course. That's what I want to teach Sweet Pea- and all of my future children. They are so loved and valuable; they are held and lullabied by the Tender Father; they are inherently worth being enjoyed. I'm working so hard to create that kind of environment for my dear sweet husband and Sweet Pea...but I don't allow it for myself.

I've been soaking in so many great books as of late- being in Seminary will do that to you. But I came across Gerald May's book, The Wisdom of the Wilderness, as of late, and I am loving it. Simmering in the wisdom, peace, and...presence that it brings. One of the chapters is entitled, "The Power of the Slowing". It is brilliant, and I feel myself being swept up in it myself:

"I turn off the ignition, set the brake, and get out and just stand, looking at the trees, the mountainside, the sky. The welcoming feeling is here again, powerfully

reassuring, holding me. I am bathed in a quality that is nothing other than friendliness. It comes with such deep soft strength and the name comes again: The Power of the Slowing. It seems to be renewing itself for friendliness, my own hospitality." (18)

I am looking forward to experiencing this Power of the Slowing, to reconnect with my love for my Jesus and myself without having to "get to the next thing".

At Long Last

2008-12-20T15:19:00.000-08:00

Well,

I've thought a lot about this blogging thing. Being that I am someone who is completely ADDICTED to my journal, I've always thought that Blogging would just be a natural overflow.

But...

I created this blog a heck of a long time ago, and haven't posted in it once.

Maybe its the crazy pace of my life...something I'm trying to be a lot more intentional about reining in. So consider this an intentional step in a direction of meditation and freedom.

I must warn you, there are so many different things that interest me that you will get quite a range. Whether its history, public policy, my love for God, my interest in the beautiful, a kind word, or the poignance and grace I find myself tearing up at on almost a daily basis.

And there are so many ways in which I know life will be changing for Joe and I in the next year...the next few weeks, even- that will provide lots of fresh fodder for thought.

But for now, I will simply meditate on the beauty and poignance of Christmas carols. Its amazing/funny/beautiful to me that Christmas carols make me tear up nowadays. I wonder what it is that makes us believe we are the first era of people who really "get it"- what Christmas is all about, who Christ is, and how transformative and even a little crazy it is that God went to such lengths to make Himself known to us, to be our Emmanuel (God with us). Sometimes, a Christmas carol comes on and I just think "wow". I also think, "why the heck do we only sing this song between Black Friday and New Years'?"

Case in point: O Holy Night. By far, my favorite Christmas carol. Today I received my Christmas card/thank you letter from Ransomed Heart Ministries/John Eldredge, and I was excited to see that the lines that struck me were the same that struck John.

Oh, holy night

The stars are brightly shining

It is the night of our dear Savior's birth

Long lay the world in sin and error pining

'til He appeared, and the soul felt its worth

Fall on your knees, all hear the angel voices

Oh night divine

Oh night when Christ was born.

(This next verse is hard to come by- a lot of times, recording artists just repeat the first stanza)

Chains shall He break, for the slave is our brother

And in His name, all oppression shall cease

Sweet hymns of joy, in grateful chorus raise we

Let all within us praise His holy name

Christ is the Lord, let ever, ever praise we

Noel, Noel- Oh night, when Christ was born

I triple dog dare you to listen to Christmas hymns for real this year, and not tear up.

I love you, dear friends.